Being a single woman of 53 years old in today's world is not a place I am finding very rewarding. I thought I would be that woman who grew old gracefully. But I find I am lonley and frustrated a good part of the time. I gradually and conveniently seemed to be being left off the invite list of any and every social gathering of my "friends" and "family". It didn't bother me at first but as time went on I felt more and more isolated, ostresized and like an outcast. I wondered to myself, "It must be awkward for these couples to sit with a single person feeling there must be nothing in common anymore to talk about and maybe they feel sorry for me and just don't know what to say".
When we were young we were all in the same boat, beginning our lives, wondering when love, marriage and children would be in our "present" instead of our future. We all socialized together, excited when a friend found love, rooting them on, supporting them. These were good times full of hopes and dreams. Then, out of the blue someone would announce they were getting a divorce. It seemed like yesterday we were reading their wedding and baby announcements.
What to do? Friends were at a loss when they were planning dinners and parties. Who should we invite? We can't invite both of them. That would be so awkward. What a predicament they have put us in. It would just be best to stay friends with just one of them or maybe neither. Were we only friends because we shared common circumstances? Yes. It seemed so.
The circle was now broken and there were single people that were a threat all of a sudden. I don't think anyone purposefully thinks that their friend of 10 or more years would threaten their marriage but survival instinct kicks in for them and they become protective of their family. It is only natural but is devastating to the newly divorced man or woman. And if they do invite their single friend it usually ends up socially awkward. They inevitably become the third wheel, the fifth wheel. Isn't that what they call it - Us?
Times goes on and we, the newly single, try to maneuver through this new life that is so foreign to us. There are more and more lonely and sad times, Christmas and holidays are the worst. We put on a happy face but feel the absence of "family". We feel out of sorts. I expressed this to a friend from church recently. She sent me an email with an article a biblical view of singleness. She is young, able to have babies, newly married and met her husband through friends. I appreciated the email but found it hard to embrace. It was about "Singleness being a gift". At first I was angry and wondered how she could possibly ask me to embrace God wanting me to be single and alone. But as I read what she sent me out of love I found I was feeling more and more peaceful.
"None of them that trust in me shall be desolate". Psalm 34:22.
This one sentence in the entire email sticks with me and helps comfort me. All I can do is trust in Him who loves me and knows my situation. His plan is the only one that matters and I embrace His will for me.
I still feel lonely sometimes. It is a work in progress to believe and embrace that God has a plan for me, will work all this out and make it good, that He is by my side through all of it and that He wants to be my husband and provide for me all that He has! I ask Him to show me how to be faithful and obedient to where he has me and to give me the strength, wisdom and power to move forward to the place he plans for me to not be alone or to accept my aloneness if it is His will for me to be alone. I ask that He fill me up and give me circumstances that help me to feel loved and to have a purpose that I feel joy from. My dream is that He replaces what the locusts have eaten as He says He will in Joel 2:25.
No comments:
Post a Comment